The Touzokuou Family!
by SuperiorSoccerMom
Summary: Dabbles of the life of the Touzokuou family... What could go wrong? Many things. Fem!Ryou! Mentions of Gemshipping and sex, language and other stuff! Serious Crack-age goes on!
1. The Talk

**A/N: HEY! Just something that MarilynJayFreak showed me... Don't ask.  
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**Bakura: BakuraLOLZ99 doesn't own** **anything.  
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><p>Akefia brought his ten year old son Bakura into the kitchen, setting him at the table, taking a deep breath. "Well, you see, kid, sex is a thing that two... uh, consenting adults, who are <em>always<em> very much in love, and always of the opposite gender... well, actually, I suppose you could both be boys and do it, I mean, men, not boys, you have to be men. Or girls? Or a boy and a girl. Man and a girl! Wait, no! Woman! Man and a woman! Or woman and woman, I won't judge. Where was I going with this?"

Bakura was silent, looking embarrassingly at his father, trying to ignore what the tan man was saying. "Dad-"

Akefia continued on with the 'talk'. "So the man o man or woman and woman or man and woman or a woman and a man get together, well, I guess that's really the same thing, man and woman and woman and man. Anyway, the man and woman or woman and man... well, you get what I mean. Anyway, they really really love each other, and lie down on a big bed, or sometimes the floor, or kitchen table, or midtown tunnel, and they... uh... take off all their clothes. Well, sometimes all their clothes. You could leave your shirts on. The shirt is really an optional thing. You don't _need_ to take it off, but, I mean, that's really half the fun of sex. No one really has sex _not_ to look at boobs, am I right, son? Am I right? C'mon, gimme five. Right?

Okay, moving along. So you have the girl-WOMAN, or man! so you have the (wo)man's pants off, and maybe their shirt too, and you say to them "Hey, maybe I think we should have sex now?" It's a reasonable question to ask, right? It's been six dates already, you've already rounded second on the last date and you figure maybe it's time to throw another bird in the bush, right? Oh, wait, we're not up to that part yet. Shit. I mean- ugh, Christ, where the hell is that goddamn mother of yours anyway?

So if she says "Yes! Let's have sex!" then proceed to the next part; if she says "No! Tonight I would rather not have the sex," then abandon all hope. Help them put their clothes back on, take their manacles off, give them some money for a cab and a lollipop for their trouble, whatever you have to do to get your shoulda-been sex partner on his/her merry way. You got better things to do, and _nobody_ likes a rapist. Except, uh, other rapists."

Bakura started banging his head against the table.

"So... moving away from that... tangent... let's get back on topic. You're with your, uh, partner, and you're now both completely, or mostly, naked. So, you take your... uh... p-penis? I mean, you know what a penis is, right? You have one. Look down. There it is. We're all on the same page now, right?

Okay, so you take your penis, and you look at your partner and think "Man, they're really hot. I could really do something with this penis to them right now," and just thinking that will make the penis puff up and get hard with excitement. If that doesn't work, then just substitute something hotter in your mind, say, instead of thinking of your partner just lying there, imagine them wearing huge army boots, holding a fresh loaf of bread, making out with two baby pandas. Whatever floats your boat, I'm not here to judge.

So, when you're ready, you take your, uh, penis and you... you take it, and you, um. Well, you take it and you, well, you see, ladies don't have penises. But men do, if you're having sex with a man. Actually, I've changed my mind. At your age you shouldn't be having sex with men. I'm going back to "boy" from now on. So you're having sex with a boy, or lady, and you certainly can't stick your penis inside... uh... OKAY, just to not complicate things, we're going hetero-normative. Sorry if you're gay, but you can just get your grandpa to talk to you about that. And where the hell is your mom, too?

Anyway, girls have... uh... holes instead of penises. It's like God gave women gloves, and men put their hands inside of the gloves, except it's your penis instead of your hand, and the glove is made of meat and smells like Joey's fish market. So, like a glove, you put on the glove with your penis, right? Well, it's actually more like a mitten. A meat mitten, right? I really should have thought of a better analogy before I started this. I'm so sorry, Bakura. Your mother really should tell you about this part, she's the one with the... _glove_-anyway. That's it, I'm calling her." Akefia stated, walking into the living room, picking up his cellphone, dialing for his wife, Ryou. "Yeah, Ryou? Where are you? I'm here with the boy trying to explain, uh, some important things to him. Well yeah I think he's ready, I told you last week. Well I kind of _assumed_ you were paying attention because I'm still your goddamn husband, right? I mean, at least in a _technical_ sense. Could you just get here as soon as you can? I'm really behind schedule with this thing, I'm already supposed to be talking about AIDS and gonorrhea and all that bad shit right now. Oh, don't listen Bakura. Spoilers. Go in the other room.

He's gone. Please just come, okay? Just at least try to help me out with at least _one_ of Bakura's big moments, or else he'll just grow up to be a spineless loser with a fucked up sex life. He'll make mistakes we made, show up to _his_ son's _bar mitzvah_ on coke and sleep with his cousin's-_GOD DAMN IT BAKURA I SAID GET IN THE OTHER ROOM!"_

Ryou sighed. "ALRIGHT! I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Please-Hello? HELLO?" Akefia growled, turning back to his son. "Hey, Brucie, get in here. Listen to me right now, and I mean this very very seriously, loud and clear: **never, ever have sex.** Your penis will fall off and you will die. Got it? Good."

Bakura sighed. His family... Can't help but love em.


	2. Eye of The Tiger

**A/N: HEY! I was having a blast with my parents when listening to this, and we actually went to the park and started playing it!  
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**Bakura: BakuraLOLZ99 doesn't own** **anything.  
><strong>

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><p>Bakura drove threw the Domino Park, whistling to himself, but then he noticed some joggers up ahead, Bakura smirked evily, looking over at his father, Akefia. "Dad, guess who's out for a jog and guess what's in the stereo?"<p>

Akefia smirked as well. "Do it, son."

Bakura cheered, pressing the play button on the stereo, Eye of The Tiger beginning to play. Bakura turned the music up as loud as it could, driving faster to where he was right beside the crowd of joggers, him and Akefia nodding their heads to the beat of the song.

The joggers rolled their eyes, nodding their heads to the beat of the music as well.

Risin' up, back on the street  
>Did my time, took my chances<br>Went the distance  
>Now I'm back on my feet<br>Just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast  
>You trade your passion for glory<br>Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past  
>You must fight just to keep them alive<p>

It's the eye of the tiger  
>It's the thrill of the fight<br>Risin' up to the challenge  
>Of our rival<br>And the last known survivor  
>Stalks his prey in the night<br>And he's watching us all with the  
>Eye of the tiger<p>

Akefia and Bakura started pumping their fists in the air, cheering loudly.

Face to face, out in the heat  
>Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry<br>They stack the odds  
>Still we take to the street<br>For the kill with the skill to survive

Risin' up straight to the top  
>Had the guts, got the glory<br>Went the distance  
>Now I'm not gonna stop<br>Just a man and his will to survive

The eye of the tiger  
>The eye of the tiger<br>The eye of the tiger  
>The eye of the tiger<p>

The song ended, all the joggers already a mile ahead of Akefia and Bakura. "I knew it would give em motivation!"

Akefia nodded, still pumping his fist in the air. "YEAH! I think I saw your mother there..."

The father and son's eyes widened, speeding out of there.


	3. Filial Piety

**A/N: HEY! This is the most disturbing thing I HAVE EVER WROTE! So, BEWARE!  
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**Bakura: BakuraLOLZ99 doesn't own** **anything.  
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><p>Shadi, Bakura's grandpa, sat down on the couch, patting the seat beside him. "Come here little grandson, and pull up a chair, ol' grandpa has to say something to you. What story am I going to be telling this time? Hah ha, no story tonight, Jimmy, I'm going to lecture you on something very important. It's time to learn about a little subject called <strong>"filial piety"<strong>. Don't start fussing now, it's a very important subject to learn about when squirts like you start togrow up."

Bakura looked at him wearily, hesitantly sitting beside him. God, he was ten, and he had a feeling that this was going to be a repeat of his talk with his father and mother... "Do I even want to know what that is...?"

Shadi basically ignored the child. "I was just about to get into that, grandson. Filial piety is a simple enough concept, often embraced by popular religions such as Confucianism and Christianity. Now, you're Christian but you don't know what filial piety is, right? That's because the heads of your religion decided to muck up the phrase and replace it with a simplistic platitude such as "love your mom and pop". But I digress, I'll talk to you about religion some other day." Shadi went on, "Anyway, filial piety is basically having love and respect for your parents and ancestors. Seems like a simple enough concept, but it's actually pretty deep, especially when you delve into the different kinds of love and respect.

You see, there are many different levels of love, and filial piety covers them all. Kind of goes on a points system, though; the more the better. If you loved your parents only a little bit, you won't have good karma, and with karma being a fancy-shmancy word for points, you don't have a whole jackpot on your hands.

Now, let's say that you love your parents a whole lot. So much you'd want to be with them forever and maybe some... other stuff too. Would you do other stuff for your parents? Because then you'd really reap in the points.

Did I mention this extends to other extended family members too, no pun intended? So if you ever wanted to do some other stuff with your grandparents, like me for example,or something... ah, look at me, I'm getting ahead of myself here."

Bakura stared open mouthed at his grandpa. "Uh... Alright. Didn't you mention something about respect..?"

Shadi's face brightened up. "Ah yes, respect! Respect also works kind of like love, but in a different way. Respect is the key factor to the ideals to filial piety, and like love, it also has several planes of depth. One of them relates to showing respect and tribute to your ancestors, that is, your great-grandfather and his father and all of your old relatives who are dead. They went through hard, tough times and I guess hot, raunchy times as well. You're feeling a bit hot aren't ya? Don't be afraid to take off your shirt, lots of people go to sleep without many clothes on. Personally, I like going commando. But, uh, forget all that. Back to the lecture... to bring their children, like me and you, into this world. "

Bakura wanted to barf...

"Yep, you wouldn't believe it easily, but I was a child once. One just like yourself. Always imaginative and adventurous, constantly thrill-seeking and finding new challenges to overcome. You'd never see me turn down a dare! Would you ever turn down a dare, Bakura? Want to make a dare now?Ever seen a grown man naked?"

Bakura's eyes almost popped out of his head. "Maybe you should just stick to the lecture for now..."

Shadi looked as happy as ever. "But of course, of course. Now where was I? Oh yes! Respect! This isn't the type of respect as sung by those rascally rock and roll artists. This isn't R-E-S-P-E-C-T, but I'll find out what it means for you. Well, I already know what it means. That's why I'm telling you. But that's besides the point. This sort of respect ranges from simply saying "please" and "thank you", all the way to doing the dishes on their command. Now, this doesn't mean filial piety is based on blind obedience, because it's not. You don't have to do something your elders tell you to do if you don't feel you feel comfortable, though, don't be afraid to go ahead and do you feel comfortable now? What if I put my hand _here_?"

Bakura gagged. "No, grandpa, I don't. And when did the whole Filial Piety thing start, anyway?"

Shadi growled, removing his hand. "It started long, long ago in China, little Jimmy, birthplace of the fortune cookie. It would just so happen that during a "time of troubles" that the Chinese empire was undergoing, and all the people couldn't decide who would be their leader, a man named Confisious was born. He was a very smart, peace loving old man, and during this time of troubles he invented a new philosophy that bore his name, called Confucianism. One of the biggest ideas of the philosophy, also known as one of the "pillars", was filial piety. And with his belief in filial piety all the Chinese people managed to get their act together and stop warring."

Bakura looked at him, confused. "Why did Confucius think filial piety would end all the wars?"

Shadi nodded in agreement. "That's a good question, Bakura. You see, this was before there was television and radios and all sorts of luxuries available to families, so all the kids had to do as they were told to make all the crops for the family, or they would all starve! Yes, it sounds tough, but with filial piety all the families started to work better, and everyone got so happy enough to stop killing each other. I guess that came to Confucius in a dream, or something. Confucius must have dreamed a lot to come up with all of his ideas... do you dream a lot? What do you dream about, anything you might feel... ashamed of? Don't be afraid to tell me _all_ the details. Nothing?Well, back to the history of filial piety and Confucius. You see, this Time of Troubles thing meant a great deal to Chinese history, and was widely considered to be the indirect birthplace of filial piety. Even people go through similar "times of trouble" themselves, maybe even you Jimmy. Are you going through one right now? Maybe I can try to... _help_ you."

Bakura gridded his teeth together in annoyance, removing his grandfather's hand. "I don't think that's necessary, grandpa... Seriously."

Shadi looked down, sighing. "Fine, fine, things like that can wait. Back to filial piety... after the Time of Troubles was over pretty much every family in China practiced Confucianism and adopted the concept. Every single family was very close together through what Confucius called "the five relationships", which basically put the good of your family over your own personal desires. Kids were very close with their grandparents... would you like to get close like that with me? You know, they used incest to be in touch with their ancestors. Wait, I mean _incense_! I mean incen-"

"I don't want to talk anymore, grandpa."

"Oh, come on kid. You do _respect_ me, don'tcha? That's supposed to be what this whole filial piety thing is. Believe me, I'm an expert in Chinese subjects like this, and even martial arts too. Do you want me to show you some martial arts, Bakura? I've learned a lot of skills for my , where are you going? I thought you were tired? The kitchen? To mommy, you say. I think I best be leaving now. Just remember what I told you... well, only the part about filial piety. Forget the rest of it for now, but call me when you start to "respect" me enough, alright? Good night, Bakura, it's been nice talking to you."

"Yeah... You too, grandpa!" Bakura lied, running into his room, closely the door and locking every single lock on it. Bakura sighed in relief. Why was he beginning to be right about the family conversations...?


	4. Dragan Balls

**A/N: HEY! It keeps time skipping if you haven't noticed, sorry for the confusion, I'll try to fix it later!  
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**Bakura: BakuraLOLZ99 doesn't own** **anything, except for some of the jokes, YGO and YGOTAS are not ours.  
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><p>Bakura and his family walked into his best friend's funeral, he had sadly died by a rattle snake...<p>

***Flashback***

"Dude! Touch the snake!" Zork yelled, pointing at the rattle snake on the ground.

"I'm not touching the fucking snake!" Bakura yelled, crossing his arms over his chest.

Zork growled. "Come on, dude, touch the snake!"

"No."

"C'mon, Bakura! It will be awesome!"

"I'm not touching the damn snake." Bakura yelled.

"I'll give you a knife..." Zork suggested, a smirk on his face.

Bakura bit his lip, shaking his head. "No, Zork, we could die."

Zork rolled his eyes. "Who cares!" Zork poked the snake, the giant worm hissed, obviously pissed.

The snake jumped on Zork, attacking his face. Zork yelled, trying to get the giant worm off his face.

Bakura watched the scene with a strange look. Zork threw himself on the ground, smashing his face against the ground, then converted to trying to strangle the giant worm thing, when that didn't work, he started a fire, putting his face over it. The thing Zork failed to notice was that the snake had fled a long time ago...

Bakura watched with disgust as Zork melted his face off. "Damn... I'm gonna miss him."

***Flashback End***

Bakura and some of Zork's family and friends looked over Zork's coffin.

Zork's mom spoke first. "MY ZORKIE-POO! I'M GOING TO MISS HIM SO MUCH!"

And then Zork's girlfriend. "I'll never love any other giant-penis-demon-monster EVER AGAIN!"

Next was Zork's brother. "I'll never forget my penis brother.."

Zork's friend walked up, tears falling from his eyes. "WHY GIANT PENIS MONSTER IN THE SKY! He was so young!"

Bakura walked up to the coffin, crossing his arms, looking down at his best friend, just as Bakura was his best friend. "Don't worry, man. I've already started my quest for the Dragon Balls!" Bakura threw his fist in the air.

For the rest of the funeral, Bakura got strange looks, except from his dad, who kept giving him thumbs up, and his grandpa... We're not even going into that conversation...

After the funeral, Bakura and his family walked out the small building and out to the parking lot, where Joey and Mariku were playing a card game, a huge fan nearby...?

Bakura's eyes widened, and he started running around the two duelers, screaming, "FUCKING RUN! THIS SHIT HAS HIT THE FAN! i REPEAT! THIS SHIT HAD HIT THE MOTHERFUCKING FAN! THESE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE PLAYING A MOTHERFUCKING CARD GAME! IF THE HAIR GEL GUY PLAYS A TRAP CARD, WE'RE ALL FUCKED!" Bakura stopped for a minute, ripping off his suit, revealing a hippie outfit, Bakura sat down on the ground, crossing his legs Indian Style and beginning to meditate. Everyone gathered around Bakura, sitting down in front of him. "Have you noticed that **Ghosts never seem to play fair**? Whatever they are doing, and they do a lot from the looks of it, ghosts always have a hidden agenda." Bakura began, still meditating, beginning to rise in the air. "Take my grandma, for example. A bitch when she was alive, but since she decided to become dead she's all happy and sometimes even smiles and _NOW_ she wants to bake me cookies. Grandma, just tell me where you hid the "rainy day" money and be done with it. I'll point you into the damn light myself (there, it's right over there granny, now shoo!). But no, she wants me to "forgive her". Forgive her? She ignores me for my entire life but every time she saw cousin Brian it was all "My, hasn't he grown since last time!" and "What chubby cheeks you have, mister. Come here by my bed and let me look at you." Makes me so sick I want to gag on her ghost cookies."Bakura threw his fist in the air, shaking it. "And how about Casper, the most famous ghost, the guy with the happy-go-lucky-ghost-sheet. Casper is so damn cute, and knows it, and he uses it to his full advantage. But does he tell people his hidden agenda, that he wants to be King of the Ghosts and will stop at literally nothing to achieve his aim? No he doesn't! He just snuggles up to the living, giggles, and within no time at all has them eating out of his transparent hands. Then sometime during the next two or three minutes he'll ask them for one itty-bitty favor, and before they know it they're doing his bidding." Bakura growled, crossing his arms over his chest in irritation. "Now all I'm saying is that a ghost will never break straight with you (except, God love him,headless horsemen). Instead of having a decent conversation it's all the time "Oogga Booga" and arm waving and stirring up cold spots. What's that about?"

More strange looks were sent Bakura's way, but then they thought for a minute.

"Hey! He's right!"

"That makes so much more since now!"

"Wow, kid, amazing!"

"Who wants a hug?"

"I DO!"

"Shut up, Tristan!"

"AW!"

"I wanna know what love IIIIISSS! But you're really ugly! And don't want you to shoow meeeee!"

"Shut up, Marik!"

"My midriff will devour your soul, binky boy!"

"BULL CRAP!"

"Hey! EFF! you, sir! You should not judge you EFF!hole!"

"What the bloody hell is a EFF!hole?" Everyone asked at the same time.

"Well... You know... It's the hole that you EFF!..."

"That's just poop right there, man."

Bakura smirked. "Yes, he's so full of poop it's coming out of his trousers."

"What!"

Bakura shrugged. "Figure it out, bloody tarts."

"Ignore me!"

Everyone looked at Marik, him and Mariku both there, looking away from everyone. "STOP LOOKING AT US!"

"I'ma here!"Came an Italian voice.

Everyone looked over, only to see a pregnant Luigi. Everyone's mouths dropped in shock, some passing out, others barfing, even people asked how he and the child were doing.

"How did this happen?"

"A balloon did it."

Everyone sweat dropped.

The life of the Touzokuou family was just going to get stranger...


	5. NO MATTER WHAT!

**A/N: HEY! It took me forever to put down the lyrics for the song, they are literally nowhere! I had to right them down as I listened to the song.. It was really annoying.. And I don't know who to credit the song to, it was just on the YGO soundtrack, there wasn't a artist listed. Sorry.  
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**Bakura: BakuraLOLZ99 doesn't own** **anything, except for some of the jokes, YGO and YGOTAS are not ours.  
><strong>

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><p>Bakura and Mariku walked into the mall, spotting a woman over in the corner. "Okay, you go first, Mariku." Bakura told him, smirking.<p>

Mariku looked at him, obviously angry, but a little shocked. "What! Why me?"

"Because you don't eat dessert before the actually dinner, and everyone loved dessert."

Mariku thought for a moment before growling. "Fine." Mariku trudged over to the woman, Mana, was her name. Mariku sat next to her on the bench. "Hey, girl. How's it goin?"

Mana gave him a strange look. "Um.. I'm doing fine... Can I help you, or something?"

Mariku thought a moment. "Uh.. Yeah... I was just wondering.." Mariku leaned closer into Mana's face. "Can I have yo number?"

Mana shot him a disgusted look, but her features softened. "I.. Uh... I have to be going.. But I appreciate the offer, Mariku..."

"Oh, come on, girl! Can I please have yo number? See, I said please this time, it's gotta count for something! Cause, girl...You lookin FINE!" Mariku nodded in agreement with his statement.

Bakura face palmed from across the room. "Face palm: When text just can't express the frustration and disappointment you feel!" he mumbled. Bakura ran over to the little group. "I'm sorry, ma'am, this man has just recently been released from a metal institution, he thinks it's okay to do things like this. C'mon, Mariku, let's go to the arcade and do some motherfucking karaoke!" Bakura roared, him and Mariku both throwing their fists in the air, both running away from the confused Mana and running into the arcade, immediately going to the karaoke machine, browsing the playlist.

"Let's do... _No Matter What_!" They both yelled. The song began and Mariku and Bakura grabbed their mics.

_"Yeah!_

_Yeah!_

_Yeah!_

_How'd it come to this? After all we been through_

_Two of a pair, now on opposite sides_

_From the very start, with honor we've dueled _

_Watched each others backs and we battled with PRIDE~!_

_We are closer than brothers, and now we've had to fight each other~!_

_And we trust our fate to the Heart of the Cards~!_

_NO MATTER WHAT!_

_Let the games begin_

_No matter what!_

_Let the best man win_

_No matter what!_

_We're in this together!_

_No matter what!_

_We'll be friend forever~!_

_No matter what!_

_Yeah!_

_Yeah!_

_Yeah!_

_It's been you and me_

_Hangin out and playin games_

_Didn't ever think it would get this hard_

_Times running out,_

_And we wish the summer would just stay!_

_Everything riding on the turn of a CARD~!_

_We'll show em what were made of!_

_As we fight threw the walls they put up!_

_We will be friend till the very end~!_

_NO MATTER WHAT!_

_Let the games begin!_

_No matter what!_

_Let the best man win!_

_No matter what!_

_We're in this together!_

_No matter what!_

_We'll be friends forever~!_

_No matter what!_

_YEAH~!_

_I don't wanna give up,_

_But I won't never give in,_

_Don't wanna duel with my very best friend._

_Perfect little match,_

_Let him win every play_

_But with so much to see,_

_I JUST CAN'T WALK AWAY~!_

_Though I need a big dream~_

_You always meant the world to me!_

_That's one thing I will never change~~!_

_NO MATTER WHAT!_

_Let the game begin!_

_NO MATTER WHAT!_

_Let the best man win!_

_NO MATTER WHAT!_

_We're in this together!_

_NO MATTER WHAT! WE BE FRIENDS FOREVER~!_

_YEAH~!_

_NO MATTER WHAT!_

_LET THE GAME BEGIN!_

_NO MATTER WHAT!_

_MAY THE BEST MAN WIN!_

_NO MATTER WHAT!_

_WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER~!_

_NO MATTER WHAT!_

_WE'LL BE FRIENDS FOREVER~!_

_NO MATTER WHAT!"_

Mariku and Bakura cheered as they got done with the song, giving each other high fives. "THAT WAS AWESOME!" They cheered together.

I guess it just wasn't the main Touzokuou family members that were strange, it was Bakura and his friends, as well...


	6. PeePoop?

**A/N: HEY! I really don't know... It's just stuff I threw together.  
><strong>

**Bakura: BakuraLOLZ99 doesn't own** **anything, except for some of the jokes, YGO and YGOTAS are not ours.  
><strong>

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><p>Bakura sat down on the couch with his father and mother, pressing play on the DVD player, The Breakfast Club starting to play.<p>

"I can already tell this movie is gonna suck." Bakura said nonchalant, crossing his arms over his chest.

Ryoua rolled her eyes. "Be quiet and watch, child, you never know, you might like it."

"I doubt it." Bakura and Akefia both muttered.

Ryou rolled her eyes again.

After about an hour of watching the movie and silence while doing so, when it got to a part where everyone started getting high, and confessing things to each other, Bakura caught sight of the bad boy in the movie. "That guy doesn't have matching shoes, one of them is black and the others white! What the actual hell?"

"Bakura, he's poor. he can't afford matching shoes. He most likely get's them from the dumpster." His mother said.

Bakura shrugged. "Well, at least the dumpster has matching shoes!"

Everyone in the room except Bakura face palmed.

"It's true!"

"Be quiet, Bakura and watch the movie!"

"But-"

"Shh!"

"Just-"

"Bakura!"

"I was just-"

"No."

"Aw!"

Ryou and Akefia relaxed, continuing to watch the movie.

"Why is that one chick and that one guy-"

"Don't make me get grandpa on you!" both of his parents yelled.

Bakura shrunk down in his seat. Not grandpa...

"Why would you even think of-"

"Bakura shut UP!"

"You guys are-"

"Be quiet!"

"Can you-"

"Nope."

"Please-"

"Shut ya mouth!"

"C'mon-"

Akefia shoved duck tape onto Bakura's mouth, adding a few more layers of it. "I would love to see you talk now, next time I am calling grandpa."

Bakura sunk down in the couch sulking. Bakura grabbed his phone, testing as loud as he possibly could, glaring at his parents.

Ryou and Akefia glared right back at their son. Akefia growled. "Just go to your room!"

Bakura yelled something, but it was put out by the duck tape on his mouth, Bakura threw his hands in the air, standing up and going to his room, flicking his parents the bird.

"The boy does know he could rip that stuff off, right?" Akefia asked, a bloody curdling scream coming from the other room.

"AAH! FUCKING SWEET MOTHER THAT IS A FUCKING PENIS! THAT HURT!" Bakura yelled, more screamed, really.

His parents flinched. "Maybe that was a bad idea..."

"YOU FUCKING THINK THAT WAS A BAD IDEA! I JUST GOT HALF MY FUCKING FACE RIPPED OFF BY THIS DAMN DUCK TAPE! HOW THE FUCKING BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK I FEEL!" Bakura growled and groaned. "THIS FUCKING HURTS! BLOODY FUCKING HELL! IT FEELS LIKE MY FACE JUST GOT FUCKING BLOW TORCHED!"

Yup, that was certainly a bad idea, my friends of the Touzokuou family. Maybe, oh let's pray to every god, they will learn their listen.

* * *

><p>Akefia sat by his son on the couch, looking over his shoulder. "What you up to, son?"<p>

Bakura looked at his dad strangely. "Just on a chat app on my phone, dad."

Akefia looked at the IPhone with little interest. "Well, who are you talking to? What's your username?"

Bak8ra sighed. "You just talk to random people, and my user name is PeePoop." Bakura chuckled, trying to hold in his laughter.

"PeePoop?" Akefia asked, looking at Bakura strangely.

Bakura nodded. "See watch this, I just type something, and everyone sees what I said. I am trying to get into a Chat Fight."

Akefia nodded slowly. "Okay then..."

Ryou came out from the bathroom, a towel wrapped around the woman's body. "I hate when showers only have two of the following options: Third degree burns... Or skinny dipping in Antarctica."

Bakura and Akefia gave the woman a strange look. "Funny thing to do: Follow a random family around Disney World for a day, just be in the background of all of their photos." Akefia randomly stated.

Bakura looked at him strangely. "I found a butterfly on the ground that had no wings. So, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... it drowned... Commercials lie.."

Akefia nodded. "A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, a crab with a whale as a daughter, The creators of SPONGEBOB were obviously high."

"SO TRUE!"

Huh... I am will just stop saying that the family will one day be normal, it is completely pointless to even try and hope. Sigh.


	7. Shits And Giggles Yogurt!

**A/N: HEY! I really don't know... It's just stuff I threw together. Co. Written with MarilynJayFreak! You awesome and listen to your fucking horoscope, you bitch! XD Shortest chapter EVER! But I thought it was pretty funny and that I shouldn't add anymore.  
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**Marilynjayfreak: JUST SO YOU NOW YOU DON'T CAPITALIZE THE J AND F! (that was for u^^^) Anyways, thank you BAKURA (the one up there^^^)**

**BakuraLOLZ: What the hell...? O_O Somebody's watching me~! And I got no privacy! Get the fuck away!**

**Marilynjayfreak: Well, you call yourself Bakura near everyone else and under this Bakura is talking... so the Bakura up there^^^. Yup... uh huh. YESH I AM EFFING WATCHING YOU!**

**BakuraLOLZ: Bitch, go back to your leeches and your potions! And she's coloring herself with a bronze marker... It is very strange, I must say. She says she Bronzeshipping with her two fingers.. Marilyn, what is wrong with you? AND YOU SAID YOUR HANDS ARE STICKY! WTF!**

**Marilynjayfreak: Sexy bronzeshipping fingers... and the leeches and potions, great idea! WE COULD SO DO THAT THIS WEEKEND~!**

**BakuraLOL: OH YEAH! TRY BEATING MA MAGICAL FINGERS!**

**MJF: Uh... my fingers are having sex. Beat that! AHAHAAHAHAH! Plus... nothing...**

**BakuraLOLZ: Bitch, please. Ma fingers don't have to have sex, those bitches get orgasms just looking at EM! Don't type anymore!**

**Bakura: BakuraLOLZ99 doesn't own** **anything, except for some of the jokes, YGO and YGOTAS are not ours.  
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* * *

><p>Bakura sighed and groaned loudly as he flipped from channel to channel.<p>

"New Shits and Giggles Yogurt!"said the announcer of the commercial.

Bakura chuckled, setting the TV remote beside him. Maybe this was going to be somewhat entertaining.

"Do you kids like yogurt? OF COURSE YOU DO! And now there's new Shits and Giggles Yogurt! And new flavors like Banana Condom Blow Job with Sperm Sprinkles!"

Bakura laughed loudly.

"But wait!"

"Okay. I'm waiting." Bakura said.

"You just have to try Blueberry Lubricant! And it comes with its own miniature toy dildo!"

"Hmm. You convinced me at Banana." a new voice suddenly said.

Bakura screamed, looking over and seeing his father at the other end of the couch, his arms crossed as he smirked in the direction of the TV. "When did you get here!"

"I have been here for a while, son. Oh, and you are on the Bitches Watch Parodies channel." Akefia told him, standing up and walking away, leaving his son more confused than he had ever been in his entire sixteen years of life.


	8. Hey! Welcome to the Family!

**A/N: Hey peeps/readers! I'm back with another chapter! Bitches love me cause they know I can write. And if you aren't familiar with ma stories, then Ryoua is my OC from Stay with Me. Ryoua and Bakura are together if you didn't know the either. I may put them together in this story if you guys think that's a good idea. Tell me.  
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**Warning: Sexual content, child birth, mild language, and the ever presence of the Touzokuou family.  
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**Bakura: BakuraLOLZ99 doesn't own anything except for OC's, most jokes, except for references.  
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><p><strong>Chapter Eight: Hey! Welcome to the Family!<br>**

"Bakura!"Akefia called from the kitchen table, sitting next to his wife, Ryou.

Bakura groaned, slamming his door a few times till it got utterly boring. "Yes?" he asked, walking into the small kitchen. "I was kinda busy doing something."

Akefia smirked, rolling his eyes. "Masturbating doesn't count."

Bakura face went pale. "I was not doing that!" he yelled.

Akefia just rolled his eyes again. "Never mind your urges! We have something to tell you, Bakura."

Bakura looked between his mother and father with a suspicious look, finally sitting down at the table across from them. "Okay..."

Akefia sighed as he wrapped his arm around Ryou, smirking that old smirk. "You're going to have a little brother."

Bakura went pale again, before a smirk crossed his face. "Oh, how fun that will be."

Ryou sent Bakura a death glare. "Keep saying things like that and you won't be alive when the baby arrives."

Akefia and Bakura gave Ryou a worried look. "Was she like that when I was born, dad?"

Akefia nodded. "Yup. I was a lot darker then, though, so she had reasons."

Bakura looked at his father in shock. "You mean to tell me you were crazier than normal?"

Akefia and Ryou nodded. "Your father was actually a gang leader when I became his sex slave." Ryou stated. "When I became pregnant with you I hit your father a lot. It was when I killed half the people in his gang that he finally agreed to kill the rest and leave that dreadful place." the young woman stated blankly.

Bakura stared at the two people in shock and slight disgust, before he slowly stood up from the table, walking away while keeping his eyes on them.

"Nice talking to you, son!" the husband and wife yelled, waving to their son.

* * *

><p>"Akefia! I'm going to kill you!"Ryou yelled as the doctor told her to push harder.<p>

Akefia rolled his eyes, wincing in pain as Ryou dug her nails into his palm. "Ah! Dammit!"

Bakura stared in disgust as he watched his baby brother be born, trying to shield his eyes from the horrific scene, Akefia dragging him back every time he tried to escape, telling him he was gonna suffer with him. "Noooooooooooooo!" Bakura yelled as Akefia dragged him by the back of his shirt.

"Wah! Wah! Baby Pharaoh want milk! Someone fetch me a nipple!"

Akefia and Bakura hurriedly ran into the birthing room again, mouths falling to the floor at the scene before them. Akefia slowly walked back up to his wife, looking down at his son in agape. The baby boy looked exactly like Pharaoh Atem had... Akefia looked up at Ryou. "I swear, if I wasn't positive that Atem was dead, I would have accused you of cheating."

Ryou scoffed, rolling her eyes as she rocked the small child in her arms. "I would never cheat on you, Akefia. You're way too good at sex for me to even think about having sex with anyone else." she smiled softly.

Akefia smirked, throwing his fist in the air. "Yes! Take that Pavlov!" (Don't ask who that is, cause I have no idea.)

Ryou laughed, looking over at Bakura, holding the small baby to him. "Do you want to hold your brother, Bakura?"

Bakura nodded slowly, walking over to his mother, slowly taking the sleeping baby in his arms. "What are you going to name him?"

"Atem." Ryou answered immediately.

"God DAMMIT!" Akefia yelled.

Ryou rolled her eyes, holding Akefia's hand in hers, trying to calm the livid man down. "What were you going to name him, then?"

"Octavian Steel Touzokuou!" Akefia stated proudly.

Bakura and Ryou sweat-dropped. "Yeah... We're going with Atem Touzokuou."

Akefia growled. "Kill joys."

Bakura laughed slightly as Atem threw his tiny fist in the air, crying about wanting a nipple. "Mom, that's your job."

Ryou stuck her tongue out. "I can't wait till you get married and have kids, Bakura, then you'll see what it's like to have mine and your fathers life."

Bakura went pale once again as he handed Atem into his mother's arms. "Yeah... I'm not going to be married or having sex anytime soon just because you said that."

Ryou and Akefia rolled their eyes, returning to their newborn son.

Bakura then looked at his father. "Hey, dad?"

"Go on."

"How did you know it was going to be a boy when mom first got pregnant?" Bakura asked, feeling that he might forever regret the decision to ask.

Akefia smirked. "I just know, son, I just know..."

Bakura was right. He did forever regret asking.

* * *

><p><em>5 years later...<em>

"Bakura!" someone called from behind the latter.

Bakura slowly turned around to see one of the girls that he had graduated from high school with. "Ryoua? Uh... Hey?"

The brown haired woman gave the white haired man a bright smile. "Hi! So, how are you doing? I heard your mother just had a baby boy."

Bakura nodded, chuckling. "Yeah... Five years ago, Rye."

Ryoua flushed in embarrassment, making Bakura chuckle again.

"Bakura!" a voice yelled hurriedly.

Bakura groaned at the too familiar voice. He turned around only to see his mother, just as he had thought. "Yes, mother?"

Ryou panted slightly as she pulled Atem out from behind her. "Here. Watch Atem for me."

Bakura sent her a strange look. "Why?" he asked as he took Atem's small hand.

"Because your father insist that we spend some alone time together." Ryou said.

Bakura sweat- dropped. "Yeah... Okay... Sure, I'll watch Temi."

Ryou sighed in relief, looking over Bakura's shoulder to see Ryoua standing there. "Hello, Ryoua! How's your mother?"

"She's dead."

"Oh. Well, I'm sorry to hear that."

"You killed her."

"Uh... Father?"

"Dead."

"Brother?"

"Mental asylum."

Ryou bit her lip, slowly backing away, before she burst into a run. "Bye, my two favorite boys!"

Bakura crouched down next to Atem, smiling at him. "So, what ya wanna do, little bro?"

"Cookie." Atem said simply, crossing his small, tan arm over his little chest.

Bakura sighed. "You can't do a cookie."

"Yes you can. I saw mommy and daddy do it."

Bakura had to hold back a gag. "Yeah.. Um.. When you hear cries coming from mommy and daddy's room do NOT go in there. Ever."

Ryoua and Atem giggled. Ryoua crouched down next to Bakura, smiling brightly at the two brothers. "So, you're little Atem, huh?"

Atem nodded, smiling cutely. "Yup!" Atem looked at Ryoua with curious red eyes. "You're pwetty! Are you dating ma brobber?"

Bakura and Ryoua both blushed, before they started yelling things out.

Atem got so confused the poor boy almost cried. When Ryoua and Bakura notice, they started freaking out and yelling, trying to calm the poor five year old down, only to make him more upset and confused. "Shut up!" Atem yelled, small tears rolling down his adorable face.

Ryoua and Bakura pulled Atem into their arms, only proceeding to freak him out more.

This was going to be a VERY long day...


	9. That Creepy Guy At Work

**A/N: Hey! What up? Another new chapter! Oh.. this was inspired by a Dane Cook skit! I LOVE him SO fucking much! But, anyways... enjoy~!  
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**Note: This is when Bakura is in his late twenty's.  
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**I don't own anything.  
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><p><strong>Chapter Nine: That Creepy Guy At Work<br>**

(Bakura's POV)

Your whole life, there's always been that one creepy, weird person somewhere in your life. I guarantee it. That's just when we were little! Then you finally grow up... Even now, at my job, there is still a freak. There is a weird guy at every job that makes you concerned every time he's around. And the strange thing about it... it's. The. Same. Guy. At. Every single. Job. You go to. Right?

He's there... you quit... you go to the new job and you're like, "Ohmygod! Is that the guy from the other job! That's the GUY! That's the scary guy!" in an extremely high pitched voice that is almost a whisper.

I can describe the guy. I can tell you right now; list _all the features_ of this guy. First, he's not a fat guy. He's not fat, you would never say he's fat. But he is... shapes. He's like an emiba... he's a different consistency. He's like a lava lamp... type of individual.

He walks around very slow... He's got that perfect orb ass. And you're like, "What is _that_? It's perfect!" What is that! You wanna see it- but you don't.

Nobody talks to this guy. You don't talk to that guy. He's got like no pupils... so, you _never_ truly see his eyes. He's got the pocket with all the sharp objects comin' up outta there... in case he needs to stab... a lot. And nobody talks to that guy.

If you're in the break room with a couple of our friends, and he suddenly comes _morphing_ in... the second he comes in you're like, "Hey, guys! Wanna... wanna get the fuck outta the break room? Do you guys wanna... wanna... go break dancing on top of the roof or something? Let's just... let's go behind the vending machine! Can somebody... can somebody just pull the machine out so I can just go hide behind it! MOVE THE MACHINE! PLEASE!"

Nobody talks to that guy... but let me tell you... Every job I've ever had in my life, I've talked to that guy. I would find him on purpose and I would have little chit-chats with him. And I would be very interested and I'd be like, "Oh, hey, by the way, here's a Snickers! That's for you. Peanuts, caramel, put that in your mouth... enjoy that."

You know why I talk to that guy? 'Cause when that day finally comes when he just fucking _snaps_ and he comes into work with an AK 47, going down every hall shooting every body... and then, when he finally gets to my office and he gasps, "Thanks for the candy...!" before shooting everyone else in the building, besides me.


End file.
